An Apology to John Allee
And to the "First" Church of Satan

by Glen Raulerson (aka Geifodd, Merciful Wizard, also allegedly known as Passenger_5757@yahoo.com)


Glen Raulerson Back in the Fall of 2001, I first surfaced on the World Wide Web under the name of Geifodd. Up until that point, I had maintained a website -- this very website, which has existed since December of 1997 -- but I had never actually taken any initiative in communicating with other Satanists. I was perfectly happy keeping to myself and studying various belief systems in an attempt to define my own worldview for and to myself. But in the Fall of 2001, I decided to finally begin interacting with other Satanists.

At the time, my beliefs were largely modeled after the Temple of Set's -- I was going through one of my phases wherein I prefer to call the Prince of Darkness Set. At this point in time there really weren't many Satanic groups to interact with that welcomed a theistic interpretation of the Dark Lord. Aside from the Temple of Set -- which I had always wanted to join, but refrained from doing so because I didn't want to pay the $75 -- there really was not much to choose from. Perhaps the only online theistic Satanist groups were Church Lucifer, run by Nate Leved, and the First Church of Satan, ran by a man named John Allee, who at that time was going by the name of "Lord Egan."

I cannot remember why I never really became that involved with Church Lucifer, but I did become quite fascinated with the First Church of Satan. So far as I could tell, FCoS was the only Satanic group that did not impose a hard definition of Satanism. Lord Egan spoke of "Free Thought Satanism," teaching that it was up to the individual Satanist to determine for him or herself what they believed. The message spoke to me, and I decided to introduce myself on the FCoS messageboard.

There on the messageboard, there was quite a bit of decent discussion about a wide variety of topics -- everything from basic Satanic philosophy to vampirism. I remember the majority of participants being quite a friendly crowd, though there were a few heated debates here and there. At the time, I do not recall that the belief in a literal Satan was taken very seriously, at least not by most of the board's posters. I remember having to defend my belief in Set a few times when I first introduced myself, but within the next month or so I seemed to become accepted by the rest of the board. My argument was that, even though I can present no evidence that the Devil is an actual metaphysical being (as opposed to just a "dark force" or pantheistic concept), I was not trying to force my views onto anybody therein. This seemed to earn my theism some respect, most particularly from an individual named Ryan Soileau, who himself was an atheistic Satanist (at least so far as I am aware). Life on the FCoS board seemed well and indeed I considered the board to be a productive community. I was more than happy to participate; it made me feel that I was actually contributing something to the Satanist scene.

In December of 2001 I began to participate in the FCoS chatroom, and it was in there that I began to actually speak one-on-one with Lord Egan. My initial impressions of Lord Egan were those of an apt pupil. I considered Egan to be a teacher; nay, an inspiration. I suppose in some ways one might say that he became my hero. I do not remember how often we chatted or how frequent our correspondences were, but the correspondences we did have (whatever their frequency) left a lasting impression upon me. Being a young theistic Satanist who was hard pressed to find a Luciferian role model, Lord Egan seemed like everything I could have wanted. In private conversation, he seemed to be a very gentle and loving man whose compassion for the Satanist scene was so great that it made me feel as if I were a part of something truly important in human history. I felt that I was witnessing the dawn of a new and beautiful Satanic age. Looking back at those fine moments I remember having with Lord Egan, I am deeply burdened by the things that would come to pass within the year of 2002.

I continued talking with Lord Egan and the rest of the FCoS messageboard participants until the Summer of 2002, when my computer died and I was no longer able to have regular internet access. During that summer I was pretty much out of the Satanist scene, save for the few phone calls I received from a few FCoS posters who I maintained contact with offline.

Now at this time, I was also aware of another online Satanist group known as the Order of Perdition, which was run by a man named Russell Smith (otherwise known as Reverend Sorath). There were some members of OoP who had participated on the FCoS messageboard.

It was due to this fact that, when I received a phone call from a friend concerning something that Smith had done, I freaked. It had apparently been discovered that Russell Smith had been sexually molesting his own daughter, and upon being discovered in this vile behavior, Smith grabbed his daughter and made a run for it across the country. As a matter of fact, Smith's story was being told on America's Most Wanted that night, and John Walsh made sure to point out that Smith was a member of a "Satanic cult" and "practiced child molestation as part of his rituals."

This horrifying news sent me into a panic and caused me to feel paranoid that another "Satanic Panic" might soon be on the way. Little did I know that I was right -- but in a way that I never could have imagined.

I finally managed to get back online during the Fall of 2002. When I returned, I was informed by one of my friends from the FCoS messageboard that something troubling was afoot on that website. I took a look at the board and, much to my dismay, I found Lord Egan, my inspiration, caught in a heavy argument with Ryan Soileau and another individual named Azag the 1st (or Azag for short). It appeared that a discussion considering the lowering of the age of consent had escalated into a fierce argument, being made by Ryan and Azag, that Lord Egan himself was actually a pedophile. Their primary "evidence" for this argument was Lord Egan's supposed association with NAMBLA (North American Men and Boy Lovers Association). Looking back at this situation, I know now that I should have been more skeptical of this argument. But at the time, I was so freaked out by what had gone on with Russell Smith that my immediate reaction was, "Not John too!"

When I first saw that this was happening, I immediately felt enraged and betrayed. It seemed to me that my mentor and my inspiration was no better than Russell Smith. I soon found myself swept in what would become another Satanic Ritual Abuse scare -- this one perpetuated, frighteningly enough, by the Satanists themselves.

In the midst of this argument with Lord Egan on the FCoS messageboard, apparently some people developed major misinterpretations of my relationship with Ryan and Azag. I will state right here and right now that there was never any formal "partnership" between Ryan, Azag or myself. Ryan had given me an honorary recognition as a "Priest" in the United Satanic Covenire, but that's it. That is the only reason why my name appeared on the website. I never considered myself to be an active member of the USC, because I had just as many theological disagreements with Ryan and Azag as I did with Egan (for one thing, Mr. Soileau's perspective was always too atheistic for my tastes, and I've never had as much patience for Thelema as Azag did). Nor did I participate in any USC-related projects. Also, I never denounced John publically except in occasional posts on the FCoS messageboard and a few private forums frequented by ex-FCoS people (and those were private -- or at least intended to have been). The only website article I remember seeing at this time frame that was totally dedicated to flaming John was Ryan's article, which appeared on the USC website. I never wrote any such article, nor did any such article ever appear on my website. And I challenge anybody who believes otherwise to produce some hard evidence. Aside from talking to people who already had seen for themselves what happened on the FCoS board during the Fall of 2002, and aside from occasionally yelling at John whenever I felt angered by him for something, I really did not do that much in order to defame him, compared to what many others have done.

It was shortly after the shit hit the fan in late 2002 that I first became involved with Diane Vera's online Theistic Satanism forums. Diane and I also corresponded privately. At some point I alluded to the pedo allegations against Lord Egan. A little while after that, Diane asked me what evidence I was aware of. I pointed her to some threads on the FCoS message board. Diane pointed out to me the flimsiness of the alleged evidence. When she did this, I stopped endorsing the pedophilia accusations.

Although I now strongly doubted the pedo allegations enough to stop talking about them, I did not yet see any point in trying to resolve things personally with John. I was still smarting too much from other aspects of the flame wars, including some heated debates over theological differences I had come to have with John. Also, because I had not been one of the ringleaders in the campaign against John, it did not occur to me that I had caused him any significant harm.

At first I was more than happy to participate in Diane Vera's groups, but as the month of January 2003 went on, I began to feel that my relationship with the Prince of Darkness was suffering. Due to a combination of the Russell Smith fiasco, plus the whole big mess on the FCoS message board (even if the allegations against John were now in doubt in my mind), plus my encounters with assorted nutty people elsewhere in the Satanist scene, I began to feel that Satanism was a bunch of bullshit.

I wanted to get away from the Satanist scene, and to have a chance to know the Dark Lord in a completely non-Christian way, with a completely non-Christian name. And so I left Diane's forums and I spent a few months trying to find a stronger connection to the Prince, only to eventually feel that the Prince no longer existed. I flirted between a loose kind of Satanism and outright atheism for that entire spring and summer. I did not again become strong in my faith until the Fall of 2003, when something happened to me that would change my life forever.

That life-altering event will remain unmentioned here, as it is really a subject unto itself. But I will say that I came very close to dying in a pool of my own blood, and it was due to the touch of Lucifer Himself that I survived. Indeed I believe it is due to the intervention of the Prince of Darkness that I am even alive to write these words today. In the midst of this life-altering event, my entire worldview was completely changed; the reality of Satan was no longer a debatable issue for me. It was shortly after this time that I was also given the opportunity to take an apprentice under my wing, and to teach him how to know the Dark Lord for himself in ritual. In many ways, the person I am today is very different from the person I was prior to the Fall of 2003. I was not yet at all inclined to see things from John's point of view; I am mentioning this episode only to explain my renewed interest in Satanism.

Come January of 2004, I decided to re-introduce myself in Diane Vera's forums and to become active in the online Satanist scene once again. Much of what had happened prior to my joining Diane's forums the first time -- way back in 2002 -- had somehow been edited from my memory. I barely even thought about John Allee or the First Church of Satan. And I was perfectly content to remain unvocal about the subject.

But, when the December of 2004 came along, Diane Vera began to receive a number of phone calls and private messages from Lillee Allee, John's wife, concerning my participation in the online Satanist scene. It was at this point that Diane began to correspond with me in many phone conversations, where she explained to me all of what had actually been done to John. As I understand it, one particular individual went so far as to send letters throughout the community of Salem, Massachussetts (John Allee's hometown), telling people that a known pedophile (i.e., John) was living in their midst.

Diane also reminded me of various reasons why the pedophilia allegations were unlikely to be true. For example, she explained that John encouraged people to read not just NAMBLA literature, but also literature by various other "fringe" groups, such as neo-Nazis and Communists. Diane pointed out to me that it would be impossible for John to be a member of all these groups at the same time, considering that neo-Nazis, Communists and NAMBLA members have completely inconsistent worldviews. In encouraging people to read this wide spectrum of "fringe" literature, Allee was not really endorsing either the neo-Nazi, Communist or "Male/Boy-Lover" viewpoints, but simply encouraging the investigation of them. And looking back at the time when John Allee and I used to be friends, it makes complete sense to me that he would do this, as John was always talking about getting people to read all sorts of different things and to have them arrive at their own conclusions. Diane also made me realize that what had happened to John had been a witchhunt, like the SRA-inspired "Satanic Panic" of the 1980's. Except in this case, it wasn't the Christians doing it to people who weren't really Satanists -- it had been the Satanists doing it to one of their own! And although I had never really intended to do anything malicious, I had in my own way helped the witchhunt to escalate.

Evidently, what relatively little action I had taken against John in late 2002/early 2003 has indeed contributed to this nightmare of a situation. By hanging out with some of the former FCoS people I was still friends with, and by talking with them about the issue at various points, I may have had a hand in keeping the situation alive. I believe that some of these former FCoS people more than likely had something to do with the actual plot against John, though I will not name any names for I have no evidence (or idea) of who might have done what. But my own heated tirades against John on the FCoS messageboard most likely did cause more people to turn against him. And because I had previously been friendly with John, he probably felt more personally betrayed by me than by some of his other (and worse) attackers. By refusing to resolve the situation with John when Diane first tried to get me to do such, I only made it worse. I only caused it to fester rather than to fade out as I thought it would by itself. And I was horrified to realize that my blowing steam at John had not been harmless, but actually quite helpful in firing up the situation. I myself was partly responsible for the great harm that had been done to him.

I offered to Lillee to put up a public apology to John Allee on this website, but Lillee specifically requested that I not put up the apology, at least not at that particular time. I have now been given the okay to publicize this statement. And with this in mind, I would like to say the following, for all the world to see:

I am truly sorry for all the things that I have done to John Allee. I realize now how quickly I jumped to the unfounded conclusion that Allee was a pedophile, and I understand that Allee will most likely never forgive me for my conduct. Whether I was fully conscious of it or not, I was indeed instrumental in causing John Allee quite a bit of pain and suffering that he did not deserve. And I pray to the Dark Lord that I will someday become even half the man that John is for having lived through and survived what was done to him.

I also feel that I owe an apology to Diane Vera. From almost the time that this entire thing started, Diane has done nothing but try to resolve the conflict between John Allee and myself. Had I listened to her sooner this conflict might have been resolved by now. If it had not been for Diane, I might never have seen any reason to apologize to John at all. She has devoted a great deal of her time on working for a truce between John and I, and she should be commended for always being the voice of reason when blood pressures start soaring.